i have nothing to commemorate surviving my 2 weeks of work except a lousy photo here. woke up around 1+pm today after a gruesome day before (died at the roadshow where i was giving out fruits & pushing a credit card for 5hours), missed guitar class (insert sad face here), went for band prac, now lazying on the comp…
need to get my life together!! that is all. work has been good :) the company better!
“i have been alone for a very long time
it will take an extreme person to make me feel less alone”
- Tao Lin
I’ve been single all my life. And to tell you the truth, while I complain about it from time to time and exclaim that i need a man, i am actually ok about it. i’m not good about it, i’m ok about it. about singlehood. i can live with it.
however lately, i’ve been realising that the state of singlehood is not a term we can apply to everything. if i’m single yet i never do feel alone, being single doesn’t play out that much. i have time to go home and have dinner with my parents, catch up with my mum, upload photos, go through the blogs i’d read…. time can pass quickly. and being a single woman doesn’t really become an issue. being single during valentine’s day is not at all a problem too.
yet when we begin to open our eyes to “real life” around us, that’s when your state of singlehood is amplified. suddenly overly cuddly couples in mrts who have squeezed themselves in the tight corner next to the door becomes an issue. when people ask you if you’ve ever been attached and you reply matter-of-factly no and there’s a moment of silence, not awkward but just absolutely empty as if the other party is evaluating that answer “no” into “oh my god you have never been attached before exactly what rock are you living under” but then again that could just be one’s imagination. when you take the train and notice countless middle-aged women who don’t have rings on their left ring finger, that one ring that you hastily try to search on every woman you find,
“real life” starts speaking to you, you start speaking to yourself. and now having a partner matters. being single sucks. etc, etc, etc.
i have no concluding statement to this as it’s something that i just thought about, the malleability of one’s romantically-unattached status. we ask for so much more.
Guilt tends to hang over me for eternity. Even if it was a small trivial issue, maybe saying something wrong or teasing someone and then realizing it might have had the wrong effect rather than the intended; I just can’t help feeling bad about it. And always, always feeling the need to apologise. Yes to admit that I was wrong, but there’s also a selfish part to it - that of wanting to feel guiltfree, redeemed, free of any hurt that I might have caused.
Today something like that happened and from the time I said it up till even now I felt really bad and I just kept thinking about it. As I drifted in between slumberland and reality in the bus, I realised that each of us may have similar anatomical features. Our livers, eyes, mouths, legs - they all tend to function in the same way. But the way we use it, how we use our brains, how we think, how we feel …. that changes everything. And could very possibly determine what is happiness for you (another thing that’s been on my mind lately).
All in all, I think the attitude we carry maps your way of life. And it determines nearly everything.
Work start TOMORROW (or rather today since it’s 12.45am) and instead of going to SLEEP since I’m suppose to be up in 5 hours time, I’m still here. How am I going to sleep at 12.45am I have no idea…
I’m getting the heebeejeebeeeez with like things flying around in my stomach and yeah, somersaults and what not. It’s been a YEAR since I’ve actually gone to work. Bring on them office work wear that I really, really, really hate (I can’t help but just look obese in almost all of them, none of them look flattering on me and I don’t blame the clothes!!!!).
It’s funny how so few of my concerns are work-related. Not gonna put them here just in case a future colleague actually reads them. Despite this strange excitement/anxiety/could just be because I’m having my period (hahahahhahhhahahaa) I’m SERIOUSLY thankful for this job. Throughout the job application process I had 2 rejection letters and NO replies from companies for 2 whole months. Despite that I don’t know why I still had faith, like serious intense faith, that I would get an internship. And I really think it’s just how God blessed me once again, even when I don’t deserve it.
(I.e. I should have applied to more companies besides the 15 companies that I tried)
Shan’t say anymore. Hope this goes well -fingers crossed.
1. My head hurts from 3am nights! THAT’S GONNA CHANGE TODAY.
2. Tried AT LEAST 6 working pants today and I couldn’t fit into them at all :”( Doubly convinced that I need to lose weight off my thighs and calves hook or by crook. Torture at the gym begins tomorrow.
3. Trying to think positive besides the negativity here
4. Had a great catchup with prills today. Some say that people come and leave, but I’d say that some stay and they stay forever.
Always remember the positive jia lin, always remember the positive…
(Source: thefunnygentleman, via rbeez)
So it’s the start of a 13 days (left) to do whatever I want before work starts. It took me so long to get an internship, I would wish to say more but I had better not…
Some things that I’d like to accomplish but I need to pull my slothlife together and make sure I get shit done:
As usual, toooooo many things to do. I should wake up at 8am to get all this done hahahahaahahah #whoamikidding
ESOTSM, you’ll always be my favourite.
(Source: blessthexuxa, via itsblitz)
(via Emir Ozsahin)
I’ve been meaning to not blog about this and have been putting it at the back of my mind (or rather just trying my very hardest to avoid renewing these thoughts). It still fails to bereave me so sue me if you hate me talking about this but Really I Can’t Stop This.
So this really is just a trivial thought but it bothers me all the same - why do people change so much, so differently, in front of others? What is it about groups of friends/congregation of cliques that makes the way people present themselves to change?
How is it that the one person I was talking to an hour ago can be subdued and perhaps even quiet. Then put him/her in a group and suddenly horror stories of how I spilt her favourite drink that she queued up 2hours for is spewing from her mouth like v o m i t that flies
I am exaggerating. I mean sure I’ve done many stupid things but none that um involve spilling a drink that someone queued up 2h for. But how is it that people seriously, just become so drastically different among others? And usually it’s for the worse?
I know that I belong under this group of people too yet I feel like others go their way to genuinely make you feel horrible under the power of others/wanting to impress the friends present/i don’t know.
That’s about it. Has bothered me for months but I’ve just tried to ignore it. Can’t.
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