Woke up intermittently
Heated legs, hands, aches
Frowns, deep frowns
I message for my mum to come into the room
I give her my hand which is burning
“Should I bathe I am having a fever”
She throws my hand away, tells me the bed covers are making my body parts warm, tells me to get up and bathe and eat and strides off
Then I get up. I get up and realise that it’s all about perspective
I am still having the fever
A colleague once told me about how Singaporean students don’t know how to fail. They have scored As all their lives, seamlessly graduated from poly/jc to uni either through grades or money, things work. And when they graduate and do other things and they fail, hey can’t understand neither can they take the failure.
I find myself feeling so much of this today. I hate this and I don’t need it. This combination exacerbates me feeling even more useless at failing. At retrying. I hate it because I know I will be bad at it. I know people think I’m bad at it. And even if I pass, I will continue to be mocked.
As I type this I am asking myself is it truly the concept of failure that upsets me or is it the concept that others have of me; as someone who is a failure in life?
I believe the latter has been a depressant in life. Why do I is a question that I wish I could answer. I also want to have a better attitude. Eg screw everyone who mocks and I am just going to do whatever I want. I’m done with being demoralized really.
it’s been a bad day. in fact it’s been a bad day for really long now. days on days i get all sighy. i dont bring the negative energy around but somewhere in my head it lingers.
where does my strength come from?
said a little prayer. but a prayer that i really hope will transform the way i think and view life.
God may my soul reflect Yours, let it not suck from things of the world, things that make me so upset; things that are temporal. Lover of my soul.
Starting to realise that a lot of the negative emotions that I’ve been experiencing is due to a poor self esteem. For two years. If only I could buy one.