I originally had a much brighter topic to blog about.. but on that particular day I fell really ill and I’m still sick.
But that’s not what is stopping me from being cheery and blogging.
What is would be a state of mind that gripped me pretty hard today. It was such a clear, profound state of being, like that scene in A Single Man that talks about that one moment of clarity - everything you know and everything you have experienced falls into its perfect holes of place and space.
In that moment, during my team meeting for my Nagoya mission trip, a particular person that was bothering me for very long didn’t bother me that much anymore. In this moment, I knew I could do without you, I was still fine. Struggling with a rather depressing message from another friend of mine, strangely I still felt okay although I wished I had the right words to say.
Just little moments that I want to jot down.
But to the friend who is currently grieving: this might not mean much, but my heart grieves with you.
i think i had a lot more faith in you saying the right things.
would the most impt point then be; listening?
and why was it hard for me to share it in the first place?
questions.. that i have no answer to but will continually feel uneasy about.
a dear friend of mine once shared her logic with me on the idea of waiting. not that im gonna share it here (lest she think it’s inappropriate), but sometimes i think waiting is similar to the process of a slow, slow burn. the challenge is to endure it to your finest, to be refined, and ultimately you come out like gold.
on the other hand.. some of us turn out a bit charred. looking nothing like the product we intended to be. a bit weary, a bit malleable perhaps from being in the fire, searing, for so long.
i find myself in between.
barely 2 days and i feel like it’s been a week. but it hasn’t.
currently a little disheartened before my last exam. i wanted to tweet but i dont know. people overthink tweets sometimes (and whose to blame? the tweeter should be held responsible).
Lord be my joy, my portion, my strength. may my weariness, my exhaustion, my sadness, some sort of inexplicable pain find joy in you. Please take it all away. Thank you.
5 more hours.
“I have so many sins Lord.
Don’t pick, but take them all Lord.”
Pull out my jealous heart, let me see how ugly I am with it and how grotesquely unhappy I am about it. It is our grudges, our jealous sides, all of which that obstruct our right to be happy everyday.
"And they make the greatest mistake of all by seeking to know God rather than loving him. For God can never be fully known in this life but he can devoutly and ardently loved. Loving God always brings us happiness, knowing him sometimes cause misery: witness the demons in hell who know God and tremble. We cannot love what is entirely unknown but it suffices to know God and and virtue to the extent that it is granted us. Then we know God to be the most radiant, savory, charming and inexhaustible source of every good thing, from whom, through whom, and in whom we become as good as we can be. And we know that virtue is the best thing after God. Knowing this, we shall love and worship God in himself with all our heart and being and we shall love virtue for Gods sake."
Petrarch on His Own Ignorance
This reading has been long but some parts really do stand out.