i think i had a lot more faith in you saying the right things.
would the most impt point then be; listening?
and why was it hard for me to share it in the first place?
questions.. that i have no answer to but will continually feel uneasy about.
a dear friend of mine once shared her logic with me on the idea of waiting. not that im gonna share it here (lest she think it’s inappropriate), but sometimes i think waiting is similar to the process of a slow, slow burn. the challenge is to endure it to your finest, to be refined, and ultimately you come out like gold.
on the other hand.. some of us turn out a bit charred. looking nothing like the product we intended to be. a bit weary, a bit malleable perhaps from being in the fire, searing, for so long.
i find myself in between.
exams have ended 3 days ago. and i feel like im going through the motions of ending. that basically means that i’ve transformed into a sloth. disguised by that pair of pretty hands adorned with jewellery but not really i am a SLOTH.
everytime i touched my phone today i’d lie on my bed and surf YT and fb and insta for like 45 minutes. and that has literally occurred like 4 times today. i managed to clean up my desk for close to an hour and do a nonsense 7 minute workout and search for devotions… but i didnt do so many other things. i was supposed to spend the night on an essay competition and planning the meeting im co-chairing tmr. SO MANY THINGS SO LITTLE TIME. on top of that i need to learn to get the hang of ironing, cooking and washing clothes from my mum. relearning things that i learnt before exchange -.-
EVERYDAY. I NEED TO PRAY. WHEN I GET UP. FOR MOTIVATION AND DISCIPLINE.
h8 ending the day tired, and more importantly, unproductive.
13 more days to nagoya.
barely 2 days and i feel like it’s been a week. but it hasn’t.
currently a little disheartened before my last exam. i wanted to tweet but i dont know. people overthink tweets sometimes (and whose to blame? the tweeter should be held responsible).
Lord be my joy, my portion, my strength. may my weariness, my exhaustion, my sadness, some sort of inexplicable pain find joy in you. Please take it all away. Thank you.
5 more hours.
“When my husband was dying, I said: ‘Moe, how am I supposed to live without you?’ He told me: ‘Take the love you have for me and spread it around.’”
“I have so many sins Lord.
Don’t pick, but take them all Lord.”
Pull out my jealous heart, let me see how ugly I am with it and how grotesquely unhappy I am about it. It is our grudges, our jealous sides, all of which that obstruct our right to be happy everyday.
And they make the greatest mistake of all by seeking to know God rather than loving him. For God can never be fully known in this life but he can devoutly and ardently loved. Loving God always brings us happiness, knowing him sometimes cause misery: witness the demons in hell who know God and tremble. We cannot love what is entirely unknown but it suffices to know God and and virtue to the extent that it is granted us. Then we know God to be the most radiant, savory, charming and inexhaustible source of every good thing, from whom, through whom, and in whom we become as good as we can be. And we know that virtue is the best thing after God. Knowing this, we shall love and worship God in himself with all our heart and being and we shall love virtue for Gods sake. —
Petrarch on His Own Ignorance
This reading has been long but some parts really do stand out.
1) TEARS ARE FOR THE WEAK
2) But this is a lot, a lot harder than you’d think. In a way I’m glad this is occurring without you, and therefore, the more, God.